Acceptance is to perfectionism as sobriety is to addiction. To overcome perfectionism, you need to master acceptance. It’s not easy. It’s much easier for perfectionists to judge and hold everyone and everything to their exacting standards. But to the extent that you can accept things as they are, the happier and healthier you’ll be. You’ll reduce stress and negativity. Your creativity will blossom.
This hits home for me, literally. As a recovering perfectionist, my current house does not measure up to my ideal. If it were up to me, it would be in a different location (waterfront, of course), stunningly designed, bigger, gorgeously landscaped, always tidy and completely maintenance-free. It would be ‘perfect’ and stay that way always. Clearly, the discrepancy between my dream home and my current abode is not helpful. The more I dwell on my fantasy, the more dissatisfied, stressed out and cranky I am with reality.
Certainly, this was the case when we first moved in. It took a while for me to truly accept the situation. It didn’t help that we had to find and purchase a house within four short weeks. We did the best we could under the circumstances but I was disappointed with the resulting situation so I had to work on accepting it. For example, I trained myself to focus more on the positives than the negatives. It felt much better to enumerate all the benefits and conveniences of our new neighborhood than to bemoan its distance from the beach. Sure it was butt ugly at first. But we gutted it and improved it tremendously — changing those things we could. Alas, there were many things we couldn’t change, and that is where acceptance was required, like the serenity prayer advises. The house is not a candidate for Architectural Digest, but it’s certainly “good enough“. Heavens, it’s a sturdy shelter — something that much of the world lacks. When viewed from a global perspective, I’m living in a palace. It’s a privilege and a blessing to reside here.
Acceptance isn’t always easy, but it’s essential for coping with circumstances beyond our control…and for overcoming perfectionistic tendencies.
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Today’s mini acceptance workshop is adapted from my co-authored book Happiness Awaits You.
Activity: Think about an unpleasant event in your life – something that was not your fault and over which you had no control.
How did you react? In particular, what did you do to try to change the situation?
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What were the consequences of your actions?
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Now, imagine that, instead of fighting things or trying to control what was going on , you accepted the situation. How would that have changed your experience?
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Activity: Now think of something unpleasant that’s going on right now in your life –- something that is not your fault and over which you have no control.
What constructive actions you can take to improve the situation?
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(It’s alright if you came up blank here. Finding solutions is less important than accepting what’s going on).
What can you do to detach, emotionally, from the situation? For example, can you remind yourself that whatever is going on is no reflection of your worth as a person? Is this a short-term pain, long-term gain situation? Can you avoid or postpone judging how ‘bad’ things are?
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Might this be a ‘Blessing in Disguise’?
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Activity: Soothe your mind with meditation. Try these techniques as a way of coping with unwanted circumstances.
Activity: If you can’t truly accept something, act ‘as if’. Pretend that all is well and behave that way. Fake it ‘til you make it.
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In the comment box below, please tell us about your experiences with acceptance — what’s worked and what hasn’t?
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Your post mirrored what happened to me, when we moved into this house! We were on a tight deadline, and while we built it, we could only afford one model. (Not one I liked.) I dream of revising it, but one day it REALLY hit home to me that in underprivileged nation, probably a hundred people could live in here, and more in the yard. How funny – we found the same way out of the “perfect house” dilemma! After that, I decided to be intentionally grateful for every square inch of my home, to decorate it, care and love it as best as I can, even make it look nice when I don’t have time for cleaning. What a change! Now I love my home.