In working with creative people, I can’t help but notice that the vast majority of are perfectionists. It’s heart-breaking to watch this parade of extremely skilled, high achieving people who beat themselves up unnecessarily. Regardless of the degree of perfectionism, it’s painful. Perfectionists are rarely happy – and whatever joy they do experience, it doesn’t last long at all. They put themselves (and those around them) under tremendous, persistent pressure. It isn’t pretty or pleasant. Whatever happens, no matter how wonderfully something turns out, perfectionists are conscious of how it might have unfolded more perfectly. Whatever they do, perfectionists are painfully aware of how much better they might have performed. Even when things go well enough to meet their sky-high standards, their accomplishments are quickly dismissed and forgotten. When things go wrong (and how could they not, given the strain they put on themselves – and their tendency to tick off the people around them), perfectionists are liable to sink into depression and generalize their setback to view their entire lives as “worthless” and “a failure”. Even worse: many people are perfectionists without even realizing it. Are you?
Here are some Signs and Symptoms You May Be a Perfectionist:
1. Judgmental — Constantly evaluating and being critical of yourself and others. Perfectionists have very high standards by which they evaluate everything they encounter.
2. Chronic dissatisfaction — Whatever you do, accomplish or acquire it never feels ‘good enough’. Perfectionists are rarely satisfied with anything.
3. Controlling – Focused on influence or manipulate outcomes regardless of whether or not you actually have any influence over them. Perfectionists are control freaks.
4. Anxiety – Frantic and fearful about getting things done or done to your high standards. Perfectionists are often stressed and pressed.
5. Negativity – Expecting the worse (I’ll never finish and if even if I do, this is going to be terrible) or extrapolating negative events to your whole life (See? I didn’t get the part. I’m a complete failure. My whole life is a waste. I’m worthless). Perfectionists are pessimists.
In more severe cases, perfectionism can look like:
6. Obsession/Compulsion – Fixated ideas, habits or behaviors.
7. Eating disorders (such as bulimia and anorexia). Exerting extreme control over your food consumption.
8. Depression –- Profound, chronic sadness and inactivity. (This can take the guises of Paralysis, Apathy and Grief).
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Multi-talented people are often perfectionists. It’s bad enough if you have one talent and realize you can be better. It’s far worse to magnify those sentiments by the number of the many talents you have.
So what’s a perfectionistic DaVinci to do? To truly conquer perfectionism requires a complete overhaul in how you view yourself and others. It may require professional counseling. But rest assured that there are some concrete things you can do to alleviate the pain of perfectionism. We’ll cover that here.
Activity:
1. Review the list of Perfectionism symptoms.
2. Identify which are true for you – and add any others you’ve noticed.
3. What does your Perfectionism cost you? Make a list.
4. Click here to read about ways to overcome your Perfectionism.
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What about YOU? Are you a perfectionist? How does your perfectionism manifest? What signs and symptoms of perfectionism have you noticed in yourself (or others)? What have been the costs of Perfectionism? Please tell us about your experiences in the comment box below.
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Are you struggling with too many talents, skills, ideas? You may have The Da Vinci Dilemma™! Find tools, fun quizzes, coaching, inspiration and solutions for multi-talented people at http://www.davincidilemma.com/.
I’m a 13 year old girl with:
-insomnia
-anxiety
-symptoms of OCD
-perfectionism
I currently have a B+ in band, and mid quarter is on Friday. I am beating myself up and can’t forgive myself because if I don’t at least have an A- I would rather die… That’s how I could be able to get depression…
Dear Molly,
I’m so sorry to hear of your distress. Perfectionism can be so painful. I know it’s very difficult to see this at this point, but the truth is that you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. I encourage you to seek help with what you are experiencing. If you don’t have ready sources of support available, here are two options that might be helpful:
http://www.teenline.org/
http://teenlineonline.org/
Also, I’d like to send you a free copy of my Acceptance workbook. I’ll send it directly to your email address.
Please take good care of yourself,
Liisa Kyle
Molly,
My direct email to you has bounced back. If you’d like to send me a different email address, I’d like to send you a free copy of my Acceptance workbook, written for Perfectionists.
Liisa
Been called this more than a few times I have been calledthis and the symptoms also me in the face. I need to work on this before it ruins my life.
Hi Thomas, realize that your “C+” effort is probably most other people’s A or A-. Try letting good enough be good enough in small ways and notice what happens. I know that most of the time when I let something “imperfect” out the door, most other people think it’s just fine. And remember, you can always improve most things later, after you just get it out there. Check out the post in this blog that talks about the book “take Action Revise Later” (just place that term in the search field). Good luck!
Thomas — the great thing about recognizing the symptoms is that once you detect them, you can address them. One of the most important things for you to focus on is ACCEPTANCE — of yourself as you are, of other people and of whatever circumstance in which you find yourself. In case it’s helpful, here’s a link to a workbook you can download to your PC or Kindle: http://amzn.to/acceptanceforperfectionistskindle
And remember: you’re aiming for ‘progress’ rather than a complete overhaul of your personality. Take good care of yourself.
Im rebekah. Perfectionism has caused me much trauma in my life. I was born the not so perfect way. So at age 12(I am now 17) I started wearing makeup and started becoming obsessed with weight,,which I was 120 at the time. So when I was 16 I was tired of “getting fat” so I developed an eating disorder. I have also become depressed from the fact that I cannot be perfect, and I have started to self mutilate. So this dumb trait has ruined my teenage years so far. Any way to change this trait?
Rebekah — Yes it’s possible to address perfectionism…as well as the other things going on in your life. Step One is to make a commitment to be very kind to yourself as you move forward. Step Two is to seek help with what you are experiencing. If you don’t have ready sources of support available, here are two options that might be helpful:
http://www.teenline.org/
http://teenlineonline.org/
Take good care of yourself.
Hey, I can relate. Just recently, I graduated from college witha degree in Creative Writing. I had garnered both Magna cum laude and departmental honors. Although my family was overjoyed I found that I was unable to stop myself from feeling bad. I kept thinking that I could’ve done better and that my degree is worthless because of the field I pursued. Also, while I was in school it bothered me whenever I got a B- or lower and I would force myself to go to school even if I was sick just so I could maintain a high average. My mom keeps telling me that I’ve done wonderfully but I never believe her. In my head, my best is never good enough and even if I have an A average in one subject, I often berate myself thinking that I am stupid or worthless. At times, leaving the house becomes a chore because I am plagued by these thoughts almost daily.
Perfectionism is painful, as you have described so vividly, Jordan. My heart aches when I see competent, capable, talented people beating themselves up unnecessarily. Hopefully you can find some helpful tools and techniques HERE to help you manage your perfectionism.
I have a 10 year old daughter who seems to be a perfectionist. Rather than keeping up with a task, if she feels she will be a failure or will get embarrassed she gives up or doesn’t even try or go for it. Especially anything physical when she is athletic. She was even like this as a 1 year old when we’d clap for her when she was learning to walk. If she fell down while trying we’d still clap for her efforts. She became angry because it was a failed attempt. She may not be as extreme as most cases I read about, but she misses out in a lot of things because of this complex. I might add she has precocious puberty and started when she was 4 years old, so drawing attention to herself in physical activities has always been hard for her. She’s always been too “mature” for “foolishness” in her mind. She has a hard time with change and making friends. Perhaps she has a blend of issues I don’t know. She is a beautiful, kind, loyal person and it’s hard for me even after many talks with her to watch her childhood pass by because she’s affraid of failures and what people think of her. I might add she does like to put on lip gloss and small amounts of makeup, and does her hair and dresses nice so it’s not an issue of people merely looking at her. Any advice? Thanks, Deanna
Hi Deanna,
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter — and so glad you are researching relevant remedies. Unfortunately, I have zero expertise with children’s issues so I have no advice to offer…other than to keep doing what you’re doing to keep researching ‘perfectionism in children’. It looks like there are some good books on the topic. If you feel so inclined, I’d love to hear about whatever you find that helps your daughter.
Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl who is still at school now, I study art, media studies, ICT, maths, english, and so on. Recently people have been telling me I’m a perfectionist. I didn’t see a problem with this until I read the symptoms and realized I do everything it says, I have NO self confidence at all, if I don’t get the work done to a standard I feel like I’ve failed myself and others, I have no self-esteem and I hate myself, I’m going through a phase of thinking I’m too fat. My boyfriend tells me otherwise but I can’t bring myself to believe him. I hate compliments because I just don’t think they are true, I have to make sure I look perfect (to my standard) before I even go to school. I feel so down most days and I worry 24/7. I find myself being a control freak over my boyfriend and judging everything he does, I don’t mean to. I feel so insecure and worthless. Please help me.
Hi Mel,
The first thing to know is that you are not alone. A lot of people in your situation feel the way you do.
The important thing is that you get the support you need. I encourage you to talk to your family and to research your options for counseling and for support groups that are available to you.
If it’s helpful, here are some more perfectionism articles: http://davincidilemma.com/category/top-davinci-challenges/perfectionism/ I encourage you to try the different techniques to see what works for you.
Also, here are some peer support resources:
http://www.teenline.org/
http://teenlineonline.org/
Take good care of yourself,
Liisa
I dont know that I am a perfectionist, however all but the eating disorder pretty much explains me. My weight is somthing i obsess about though. Every time I do something ( no matter what it is ), I always beat myself up and tell myself and my family that I dont know why I even bother trying. I cant do anything right. And of course they all look at me like im crazy. Then there’s my children. I am always judging and getting upset with them for not meeting my standards. I dont let go of the past. Which makes my husband upset because I bring up all the mistakes he has made and how things should have been. I am now starting to turn into a clean freak. Things have been very stressful with us trying to buy a house. Im starting to notice my anxiety and obsetions are getting worse. For example when my husband helps me fold towels, I have been getting really bad anxiety over it because he either doesnt fold them the way I want them or he does but they aren’t perfect. Every corner has to match up, there can be no creases, and the decrotive trim has to be facing up. With all of this said, am I a perfectionist or just a insain delusionsal freak?
Hi Jen,
The labels are less important than your unhappiness — the stress you put on yourself and your family. The key thing is that you’ve noticed things are getting worse. I encourage you to address your concerns with a professional counselor or support group. Here are some resources I hope are helpful:
http://www.findapsychologist.org/
http://www.nmha.org/go/find_support_group
Take good care of yourself — literally. Be very kind and gentle with yourself as you find support,
Liisa
Hello. I am 16 and high school senior. I just wanted to know if I am perfectionist. I do all the things above. But I have always thought that the perfectionist was not me that my parents were. Whenever I get like A- they would ask me why not A+. So I have always wanted to satisfy their wishes. But somehow recently I noticed that I was not doing things with so much effort to only satisfy them. I feel like I am living my life this way to be someone that I want. And I keep wondering have I gotten a perfectionist that I read about years ago. Also recently I read an article about perfectionism being genetic. I feel worthless almost everyday. And I really want to stop obsessing over food and judging my best friend who has a patience of a saint constantly. But on the other hand I dont want to give it up. Although it is kind of painful I really feel like I can achieve sth using this as an advantage. I know it sounds stupid. But if Im really a perfectionist is there a way I can be happy without giving it up?
Hi Shagai,
It does sound like you’re a perfectionist…and yes, it is possible to be a happy perfectionist…however to do so you’ll need to address the thoughts and behaviors that are making you unhappy. I encourage you to talk to your family and to research your options for counseling and for support groups that are available to you.
If it’s helpful, here are some more perfectionism articles: http://davincidilemma.com/category/top-davinci-challenges/perfectionism/ I encourage you to try the different techniques to see what works for you.
Also, here are some online peer support resources:
http://www.teenline.org/
http://teenlineonline.org/
Take good care of yourself,
Liisa
Hello, I’m currently sixteen, sophomore in high school. I didn’t think I would be a perfectionist until I read the symptoms and three explains me. Chronic dissatisfaction, Anxiety, and Negativity. I’m mostly a perfectionist when it comes to art. I’m in Art III and currently have an A. But I don’t think I deserve it because I think my projects and sketches are horrible even though people say they really like it. I never believe them and put the negativity through that. I always get scared or stressed when there is a certain due date for my projects. Right now I’m currently working on a relief painting that is due in less than two weeks and I messed up on some of the outlines I did on my canvas. I told my friends that it will not look good at all and they tell me that it looks good and that it will look like that until the project is completely finished. I still don’t believe them because even if I finish it, it looks bad in my prospective. When I get stressed during my art projects, I start shaking a little and start to tear because I’m about to cry. When I do this, it ruins the rest of my day. A couple of people in my class says I’m a perfectionist because I talk negative about my work. I don’t know what to do and I hate being a perfectionist. But how will I change that?
Hi Marianne,
Yes you can change. Here are some ways to get started:
http://davincidilemma.com/2010/04/ways-to-overcome-perfectionism/
http://davincidilemma.com/2010/06/overcoming-perfectionism-shifting-to-good-enough/
um…so i have perfectionism, anxiety and Ocd, My therapist diagnosed it but my family doesnt believe it. I have a B in two classes and its bothering me. How do i deal with it and how do i let it not bother me while in class? My OCD and Perfectionism has calmed down a lot since a couple years ago.
Hi Kate,
I encourage you to discuss these questions with your therapist. Sounds like you’ve made progress already so keep that in mind as you develop solutions that work for you. So pleased you have support! Best wishes…
Hi! I am from Namibia. I have a father(who I love very much), but he made a very large part of our family life a living hell. He loves us and is very loyal. We were always safe and well cared for. He has this mood swings. Sometimes all is well and then suddenly it will just change and NOTHING will be good enough. He will use this degrading remarks towards any one who is near and when we were still in the house, we would wish we were rather dead than live through the stress of these situations. Sometimes a mood swing like this will occur once a week, sometimes twice a day. Anything can cause this. When he opens the fridge and find things in disorder or just not where he last place it, it can set him off hugely. I would say it normally occurs when things do not go exactly his way. We may not speak to him about something he does wrong, so he lives on as if everything is 100%. My problem is that this is not diagnosed and my elderly mother has to live with this daily. She is getting too thin because she may not cook anymore because, according to him, she does not do it right! He really cannot cook and she still does an exceptionally good job of it considering her age and health. What worries me also is that my one brother displays the same behavior(sometimes worse). They make big issues about very small things and will not stop until someone feels like dirt. I can no longer live as if it is okay. I can not say that this is perfectionism, but in my eyes it is not normal! Can you assist me with advice?
Hi, I am sorry you hvae to deal with this! It sounds like a very difficult situation, and you describe it very well. I don’t think this is the perfectionism we are speaking about here. though. What we mean is more being SELF-critical, rather than critical of others. Your father sounds more demanding and controlling than perfectionistic. I sense it really does not matter how the food is prepared or how orderly things are –because he would find some excise to behave this way regardless.
The only thing I can say is that it is good you recognize what is happening. I know it is hard, but you do not HAVE to “feel like dirt” unless you decide to. One of our famous first ladies in the US, Eleanor Roosevelt, once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This does not mean you have to argue with your father or brother, because there is no winner in that game. Just try hard to remember in your heart your own worth, and to see your relatives’ behaviour as having more to do with what is bothering them inside, than with you or anything happening outside of them. Try to focus on what you love in your life, and what you can do. Good luck.
I read this, and I’m not sure if I’m a perfectionist or not. I was hoping you would help me find out.
~I feel like I need to get the top score in tests all the times, or I’m not satisfied.
~If I get something wrong, I get super stressed.
~Even if I get one question wrong on a test or quiz, I’m not satisfied.
~I get upset if there’s a stray line or mark on my work.
~It makes me uncomfortable when I see that people haven’t capitalized their names, the beginning of sentences, and the letter “I”.
~It also makes me uncomfortable if there is a sentence without a period.
~ My books need to be perfectly aligned.
~ I need to get straight A’s (which I have right now) or I feel discouraged.
I hope you can help me see if I have perfectionism.
Hi Amy,
Many of the behaviors you describe are common among perfectionists…and some are indicative of obsessive compulsive tendencies. If you want an accurate assessment, you’d need to consult with a counselor or a clinical psychologist.
I hope the ideas in these articles are helpful: http://davincidilemma.com/category/top-davinci-challenges/perfectionism/
Take care,
Liisa