Accepting people as they are ain’t always easy. But to the extent you can foster acceptance of others, the happier, healthier and less stressed you’ll be. Accepting others is an important component of accepting circumstances as they are.
If only our spouses were psychic. If only our family members behaved as we wish they would at all times. If only our dogs didn’t shed. If only our neighbors didn’t blast their music. Alas, the many beings around us are going to behave how they’re going to behave, regardless of our wishes.
So what are your options?
You can try to change people’s personalities…but odds are slim you’ll succeed.
You can try to control others…but this is rarely pleasant, productive or effective.
You can get upset and sit there fuming…filling up with all kinds of negative thoughts and revenge fantasies but, really, what does this accomplish? It fills your mind with poisonous thoughts and embitters you. It foments a negative cloud around you that is not productive — or attractive. Meanwhile, the target of your ire is no doubt oblivious to their impact on you. Basically, you’re just hurting yourself.
Accepting others as they are is often a major challenge for perfectionists. If you tend to be hard on yourself, it’s likely that you are hard on others. If you like things to be ‘just so’, you may well expect people to behave ‘just so’. There’s a certain judgmental element that comes with perfectionism — a relentless judging of oneself plus evaluating everyone else. To the extent that you can accept people as they are, the happier and healthier you’ll be — and so will the folks with whom you interact. You’ll reduce stress and negativity for everyone involved. Your creativity will blossom — and likely theirs, as well.
Today’s mini acceptance workshop is adapted from my co-authored book Happiness Awaits You.
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Activity: Think about someone who irritates or annoys or upsets you — someone who behaves differently than you would like.
How do you react to them? What effects do they have on you?
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Have you tried to change them or their behavior? If so, what happened?
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What are the costs of your reactions and your efforts to change this person?
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What would be the benefits to you if you accepted them as they are?
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Now, consider that (a) this person is highly unlikely to change and (b) you have zero power to control or change their behavior. What are your options? You can continue trying to change or control them (and you will fail) or you try a different approach. You can accept them as they are. Begin by considering their good points. Challenge yourself to list as many good things about this person as you can:
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Consider what it is they do that annoys, irritates or upsets you. How might this behavior be similar to something you do in your own life? E.g. if the person is untruthful, ask yourself in what areas of life you are being less than honest.
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Along the same line: consider your reaction to what this person does that annoys, irritates or upsets you. Is your reaction a bit overblown for the actual circumstances? If so, concentrate on your reaction. Really feel it. Now ask yourself: when else in your life have you felt this way?
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Sometimes, when we don’t learn a lesson in life, it pops up repeatedly until we do. Might this person be giving you an opportunity to learn an unlearned lesson from the past? What lesson(s) might that be?
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Activity: Try this version of Ho’oponopono — a technique derived from Hawaiian spiritual practices. Think of the person who is irritating, annoying or upsetting you. In your heart, accept responsibility for whatever you have done that brought forth their unpleasant behavior. Recognize that they may be unwitting messengers sent to help you learn something. Apologize to their spirit. Ask their forgiveness for whatever it was that caused them to act so unpleasantly. Ask for harmony to be restored.
Activity: Accept this person as they are. We all have our faults. We all irritate or annoy others without meaning to do so. This person may be an unwitting pawn sent by the universe to help you learn something important. Give them the benefit of the doubt: we all do the best we can, to the best of our ability, under the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
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