How to Handle Wet Blankets, Naysayers & “Everybody”

Yes, there are some people who will applaud your talents and cheer you on toward your dreams.

But somehow, for many of us DaVincis,  it seems that those people are never as close by or as vocal as those who maybe jealous, critical, fearful or just plain spiteful. Some, under the guise of being “helpful”, will repeatedly point out how competitive , difficult and fraught with painful rejection it is to succeed in your chosen field. Some will question if you’ve got what it takes, in talent or temperament.  Some are just fearful and want to protect you from disappointment. My mother, a child of the Depression and pessimistic by nature, would always predict that I would be “out on the street selling pencils” whenever I declared the dream to do anything creative with my life.

As if our own doubts and fears were not enough to have us rearranging our desks when we should be working on our screenplay or rehearsing our stand-up routine. People like this only stoke our fear and lack of confidence, even if they mean well.

Dr. Wayne Dyer (Pulling Your Own Strings, The Power of Intention and about a gazillion other pioneering books in the area of personal growth) tells a story about being labeled a “scurvy elephant” by one of his elementary school teachers  (actually, she said he was a “disturbing element”) and how important it is to one’s self-esteem and personal power to be “independent of the good opinion of other people.”

Thanks, Wayne, that’s great…but it’s a lot easier said than done. He speaks about breaking away from “the tribe” – the collective of people in your life whose existence depends on maintaining the status quo and making sure everyone else, including you, colors within the lines. The trouble is, it’s hard and lonely to live without a tribe, and for most of us, it’s impossible to divorce ourselves physically or emotionally from these others, even if we wanted to.

The most insidious things about the tribe is that in some cases it’s in our own heads. One of our favorite personal development authors, Martha Beck, writes in her wonderful book Finding your Own North Star about the concept of “Everybody”. As in, “Everybody will think I’m crazy if I leave a career in banking to become a cellist.” “Everybody knows that you can’t get work writing for TV without connections.” “Everyone thinks I’m a flake who can’t stick with one thing.” Really? Everybody thinks that? Who are these people?

Most of the time our Everybody is an aggregate of people we’ve habitually looked to for approval since childhood: Parents and other relatives, teachers, etc.  But stop and think a moment about this crowd you’ve been allowing to influence your decisions.  You haven’t even seen a lot of these people for a long time (some may even be dead!). You don’t want to be like them, they have no real authority, and you’ve outgrown having to care what they think.  If they ever even thought those things in the first place.

Build your Own Tribe

Besides, if we will only look around us a little, we can amass a whole new “Everybody”,  made up of people who approve and applaud us for following our own path. My new Everybody consists of friends from around the world who routinely cheer me on and are fascinated by my adventures. It also includes my husband, my favorite writing teachers, my agent and a few enlightened relatives. This Everybody believes in me and my talents. This Everybody doesn’t think I’m crazy or reckless. They don’t believe I’ll be out on the street selling pencils anytime soon.

I also like Barbara Sher’s take on this in I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was. I’m paraphrasing wildly here, but she advises creating an imaginary circle of mentors you admire, a virtual mastermind whom you can ask for help and support when you need it. It can be made up of people from your own life, but also  can include people you’ve never met, and even fictional characters! When I first read the book, my circle included Elizabeth Bennett, the strong, independent-minded character from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Lizzie totally applauded my decision to leave advertising to become a screenwriter, and had some decidedly unladylike things to say about my detractors.

Count on it: there will be some Debbie Downers in your life (and in your head) when you decide to honor and pursue your talents. Rather than listening to them out of habit, or trying to tough it out and totally go it alone, why not seek out the people who are on your side and on your wavelength and enlist them on your team? Here are a few ideas paraphrased from the above authors.

Activity:
1.    Make a list of all the people in your life who have ever been supportive of your talents and dreams, and who are encouraging rather than fearful or negative. This list is your new “Everybody.”  Martha Beck has her clients use this mostly as a mental construct, but for those people in my Everybody  I am still in touch with, I like to have phone numbers and emails on this list as well so I can easily contact them. I also “friend” them on Facebook. Whether you converse with them in real life or in your head, the point is to have their voices be the ones you hear most often.
2.    Whom do you admire? Whose advice would you love to have? Whom would you most like to be like? Create an imaginary panel of advisors you can go to for support or ideas.
3.    Limit your exposure to those whose voices are not helpful, and when you must interact, don’t bring up your creative projects or plans. Why set yourself up to be shot down? Here is a good place to “be independent of the good opinion of other people” by simply not asking for tribal approval. When you visit, just smile and sit in their teepee until it’s time to go home.
4.    Seek out people or  groups of people who share your talents or interests. The internet has made this easy. Check out meetups (Meetup.com), writers’ groups, internet forums…or hook up with other DaVincis right here on this blog. You’ll be giving support as well as getting it, and maybe even become a big part of someone else’s Everybody.

As a DaVinci, you are special, but you are not alone. The support you need is out there. You may just have to get a little creative to find it.

Who is in your ideal tribe? Where do you get support?

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